Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Just Say "Nein"!

Voiceover: The year is 1985. Cardinal Joseph Alois Ratzinger is writing a letter cautioning against the laicization, or defrocking, of the Reverend Stephan Kiesle, already convicted of child molestation by a California court. "Consider the good of the Universal Church," he writes. This letter will surface in 2010, fanning the flames of a growing scandal which threatens to reach Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, himself. This unpleasant situation could have been prevented if Cardinal Ratzinger had a Sassy Gay Friend.

[Theme music. The Sassy Gay Friend throws his stole over his shoulder and smirks at the camera.]

[SGF, dressed in a priest's robes, bursts into the Cardinal's chamber.]

SASSY GAY FRIEND: What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

JOSEPH ALOIS RATZINGER: I am contending mit the enemies of die Kirche.

SGF: Oh, good! That must mean you're going to defrock Kinky Kiesle. It's about time.

JAR: Nein! I am saving a priest from the persecution of the ungodly. The world always seeks to destroy die Kirche by slander.

SGF: Josie, he was convicted of child molestation four years ago! He's been getting into the pants of little kids since the 1970s! He's not being slandered, he's a total sleazebag! And let me give you a blast from the future: he'll be defrocked anyway, and he'll be tried for 13 counts of child molestation in 2002, but thanks to these delaying actions of yours most of them will be thrown out because of the statute of limitations!

JAR: This is the fault of the homosexuals. They've infiltrated die Kirche and are trying to ruin it from within.

SGF: Right, by molesting little girls as well as boys. To throw you off the scent, so to speak. But let me ask you something else, Josie. What do you think of this tasty little number? [SGF shows JAR this photo:]
JAR: What a nice-looking young man! Who is he?

SGF: He's Father Georg Ganswein, and he's going to be your "Private Secretary," nudge nudge wink wink, when you become Pope in twenty years. He's going to stir places in elderly Catholic women that they'd forgotten they had!

JAR: The Pope? I? What are you saying, you strange fellow?

SGF: Oh, never mind. Let's get outa here and go shopping, you stupid bitch. Prada awaits!

[SGF opens the door and JAS exits ahead of him. SGF turns to the camera.]

SGF: She's a stupid bitch.