Notice: The following material contains language, ideas, and jokes that may be offensive to some readers. If you are easily offended, This Is So Gay recommends that you exercise your choice to not read.NARRATOR: Jesus is carrying His cross along the road to Calvary, where He will suffer a prolonged and excruciating death. This fate could have been avoided if He had a Sassy Gay Friend.The first Sassy Gay Friend video was funny, the second one (about Juliet) still funny but a bit weaker, and the newest one (about Desdemona) didn't do much for me at all. I got this idea shortly before the third turned up on Youtube; one advantage of writing over video is that one can conjure up all sorts of effects (Jonah Hill as Jesus, the crowds along the road to Calvary) without actually having to stage them. I hope this offering fits the spirit of Good Friday.
[Theme music plays over Sassy Gay Friend throwing his headscarf over his shoulder.]
[Sassy Gay Friend jumps out from behind a Roman soldier and confronts Jesus.]
SGF: What are You doing? What, what, what are You doing?
JESUS [I picture Jonah Hill in the role]: Judas betrayed Me, Peter denied Me, and Mary Magdalene eloped with the disciple I love!
SGF: I told You, even the Son of God can spread Himself too thin...
JESUS: My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?
SGF: So, You got dumped by Your boy toys. It happens! But what is this mortification of the flesh here? The crown of thorns, the stripes of the lash on Your back, this tacky cross! Don't be such a drama queen!
JESUS: The Son of God can be a drama queen if He feels like it.
SGF: I don't think so! The Son of God is a role model for millions of kids. Think of the endorsements You'll lose.
JESUS: I don't care! I want to die! Then they'll wish they hadn't treated Me like this! And I'll be laughing!
SGF: Oh, I'm so sure, like You're going to rise on the third day and watch them feel guilty. Now I want You to stop this nonsense, come down off Your cross, and show me the Jesus I know, Who told the scribes and the Pharisees where to get off. Enough of this whining -- I want to see the Judge of the quick and the dead, Who will separate the sheep from the goats!
JESUS: But what about My beloved disciple?
SGF: Honey, there are plenty of fish in the sea -- 153 to be exact. Look at that humpy number over there. Hand him the cross.
JESUS: Well ... I guess you're right. [He passes the cross to a guy with a linebacker's build, who's wearing a jersey that says CYRENE 00.]
SFG: C'mon, You stupid bitch, let's get out of here and I will make You a fisher of men.
JESUS: Does this loincloth make Me look fat?
SFG [smugly, to the camera]: She's a stupid bitch.
